So many things have happened in the past week. You took me to a drive through zoo. I really enjoyed that. I enjoyed every place you took me to. I soaked up every moment in my bones and flesh, and they seeped deeply inside of my heart and made their ways into my soul. I found security inside of you, I peeked around your mind and saw so many wonderful things. They were things I could relate to on molecular levels. Chemicals and protons and wires, I felt like they all connected so well. And then I discovered it was all a web of lies. You were reaching for something else. You took energy from me and formed a barrier between us. You used my strength to benefit your weakness and my weakness to gain your strength. You tore me from limb to limb and opened every pore and smeared charcoal and salt into my interior. I became bitter and black because of your wickedness, and somehow, allowed you to remove my heart to keep as your pet. I spoke to my mother and she said, it’s like we willingly give them all of what we are- our whole heart and our guts and insides. They put them on the counter to rot. Flies pick away at the fleshy mess until they corrode into something unrecognizable. And that is how I felt for the longest time when you were around me. I was just waiting for you to see what damage you have done and the damage you were still causing in and around me.
But there is no us. And there never was. I was not your smart, funny, pretty girl. I was your play thing. I was your muse, some of the time. I was your paid bills and free meals and free shelter. I was your access to peace, freedom from judgement, escape from your painful past. I was your support through hard times, the shoulder of your burdens, the crutch for your insecurities. I was your something when you had nothing. And now that I discovered the truth behind my screaming gut, the gut that you mangled, I will be used no more. You will not make me your victim. You will continue to suffer and until you change for the good, you’ll find another crutch to con. Shame on you. I still pray, though… for you… every day. Just as I have. And there in my prayers you will remain, but only there. You are no longer welcome in my heart.
But there are things I’ll cherish. There are lessons I’ll hold on to forever. I will always miss the little things… from our dogs down to our sunflower seeds. But there are other things I’ll remember without wanting to try. Your lack of care and attention. I bet you didn’t even finish that movie. Your selfishness. Your deceitfulness. Your anger. Your way.
Whoever you really are in there, I hope love is something you discover one day, once you have finally discovered yourself. And when you find it, don’t waste her.