Damn, ya’ll. Been a while since I took time to write in this blog. One reason is because I’ve been working three jobs while also single-handedly raising my rockstar. I recently began working a great job that allowed me to narrow it down to two jobs- one full time and one part time job- so I’ve had a weight lifted from my shoulders that I would compare to Nine Inch Nails performance on 06/06/06– heavy as fuck. What a show…
And like that experience, I’ll never forget the lessons I’ve learned that come about when you do nothing but work, sleep a little, repeat- and the sacrifices you make (an example would be missing out on almost everything fun). But each experience brought me to the places I needed to be when I needed to be there, and I met people I needed, in turn. And now, here I am, enjoying a really nice career in the making- Blue Cross insurance and 401k and paid holidays. I feel 21 again.
But this is not the subject for this post, or the reason for my writing- just a prerequisite for making the time to do so. I am slowly but surely enjoying the things I used to. I’ve even heard from several friends and have been invited to bike ride again- something that hasn’t actually taken place since 2016. The tires are low… and so was my soul. Luckily, things are happening to me now.
When headlines, coupled with no free time to do things you love, take hold of your psyche, life becomes a huge bitch. And in turn, so do you. I was always a joy to be around, especially at work, and have had so many co-workers reach out to me to tell me how much they miss working with me. But I feel like the past four years, for one extremely valid reason or another, I’ve grown more bitter to the taste. One headline or another infuriates me, and I feel like I have to a) get to the bottom of it and b) make my voice heard. This is a huge turn off to people who are so used to you being the funny chick. People talk. Actually, people get quiet when you walk into the room. It is very common to feel like an outsider when this happens. But I am no stranger to feeling like a stranger. I think this is why I wanted to start writing again. I know people expect me to smile that ridiculous wide smile, and they truly can’t understand why I refuse. Well, I have my reasons.
One reason is that I was born with empathy. I can sense when someone is in pain, being bullied, rejected, confused, etc. I understand emotions. I have seen heroes of mine fall into dark holes and eventually take their own lives. I have had friends come to me in confidence, detailing accounts that I really can’t fathom any natural human being could endure at the hands of people who are obviously not natural human beings. I have seen these behaviors and the effects they have on a person and the people who love them- rise in number, so much so that eventually it has impacted entire neighborhoods, communities, a whole nation, and an entire planet. So, here we are- the entire world is suffering. And you’re well aware what year it is I am referring to. History books will tell a similar story, and these events we see every day will hopefully be the last lessons we learn in these arenas. Time to evolve, idiots. For the love of humanity.
All of this going on, and meanwhile, I am doing my best. Am I funny? Not really. I’m still very serious, and concerned. I’m still vocal. I’m still posting and deleting, out of fear I’ve offended when in reality I don’t fucking care if you’re offended. If you aren’t why aren’t you, anyway? To quote Charlie Chaplin- You are not machines, you are men. You have the love of humanity in your hearts.
I come from a family of great men. Great men who wore the uniform and thought they were fighting an enemy who brings terror to the innocent. It is time to look around- to see the world with 20/20 vision. I am tired of the red and blue filters- they don’t allow you to see the full spectrum of possibilities. See without filters through a clean lens, and work on a clean slate. Before it is too late.
I leave you now with a poem I wrote dated June 29, 2020.
What do I gotta do to play a song that you
will actually stop what you do so that you might listen to
something I’ve desperately been trying to say to you
to convey my blues?
And how long has it been since you paid attention
to the same revolving sin you refuse calling that name for what it is
that’s making me ill?
Well, my insides feel pain and my brain now contains
the chemicals we spill, they stain! Help me wash away
all the blame.
Pointing fingers at them others, meanwhile all the mothers
retreat to live undercover, waiting for motivation to be discovered,
closing that door and opening another.
You preachin’ hope, they believin’, while we just cope by the season,
but if we just lived within reason, we’d all rejoice daily into the evenin’-
it’s the best feelin’.
So we learn to grow and grow to eat and eat to sustain who? Ourselves
So we sustain to live and live to give and give to love- Eternal.